Blimey – it’s only Peter Andre!

Saturday – and just a few hours before the big event. But first, a visit to Mdina, a beautiful hilltop location known as The Silent City.

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Which would be lovely, were the silence not broken by a herd of German schoolchildren and the light construction taking place next to the gate.

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Still, we didn’t let it spoil things. Those walls are so thick they drown out the noise of the builders, and are probably more than adequate to accommodate several children wrapped in thick concrete.

For legal reasons, I should point out that this didn’t happen. Instead, we opted for some more Cake Porn on a rooftop cafe, commanding some more great views.

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The streets of Mdina are apparently curved because, historically, you couldn’t shoot an arrow around a corner. Today, arrows are still banned – as far as I know – though no everyone’s convinced.

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Now, more perceptive readers will notice that so far today, there’s been no Euro Geekiness. But that all changed in the evening when we were transported in a posh Merc to a windswept tent by the national stadium. Our driver had clearly misunderstood the meaning of “hands free” since for much of the journey at least one of his hands was nowhere near the steering wheel. Outside the tent, thing looks bleak, but inside, Phil’s come up trumps with ringside seats. I can’t wait for Giant Haystacks to appear.

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Our actual view – eek Geek

At this point, I’m slightly concerned that, being on the front row might mean regular panning camera shots of me on Maltese TV looking variously confused, bored or falling asleep. But happily, most of the audience shots are done from overhead. Plus, my Motley Crew’s stoic refusal to dance, clap or show any emotion whatsoever puts paid to this Director’s plans. Although I later discovered that we apparently featured quite a bit on the live webstream of the show. Fortunately, this is mostly viewed only by other Euro Geeks, comparing one country’s scoring system with another. But more of that later. The only thing we can get vaguely excited by is our recreation of the Mdina City Walls using cans of lovely beer.

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At the start of the show we have a marching band and some dancers. Think Seaside Special circa 1982 and you get the picture.

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Then, after what already seems like an eternity, the hosts announce that Peter Andre is in the audience. And they’re not fibbing either.

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Gordon and Elaine rattle through the 16 songs on show tonight, which may sound like an endurance test. But I’m thankful we weren’t here last night for the semi final, which consisted of 24 songs and four ours of hell. We watched some of it on TV, closing three bars in the process. After various performance by Alicia Keys, Boyzone and Alison Moyet clones, the predictable voting process throws up an unpredictable winner in Gianluca Bezzina.

If you can’t make that link work, just download Hey Soul Sister by Train.

Come on, you know him? He’s the one that looks a bit like Any Mediterranean Man in A British Soap. And he’s quite pleased to win. Although he nearly didn’t.

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A few minutes before the result was announced, sounds of tutting and multi lingual arguments sweep across the front two rows. A key Geek website has named a woman called Amber as the winner – before the results have been announced. Like many things online these days, it turns out to be untrue. Someone’s written a “ready to go” article and pressed the publish button. A case of premature ejaculation but without the porn of your choice to help things along.

The proceedings finally end at midnight. But there’s more to come, as John manages to blag our way into the after show party, at which there are absolutely no drunken homosexuals present.

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And John even gets to interview Gian

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After that, we did some more drinking, including with Gordon and Elaine – the hosts of the show. I’ve not been this excited since meeting Bob Holness on the Blockbusters set.

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